This evening, the nation’s favourite TV baking series comes to an end forever as we know it *SOB*. Now we know that The Great British Bake Off has perfected the recipe for bringing us innuendo-filled entertainment on a Wednesday night, but it would have turned out a little differently had it been filmed in Shoreditch…
1. For starters, the countryside tent would be scrapped. The bakers would be filmed cooking up a storm in a large, bare and grungy looking warehouse inside the Truman Brewery.
2. It pains us to say this, but Mel and Sue wouldn’t make the hipster cut. The presenting duo would be replaced by the Cereal Killer Cafe’s founders, the Keery Twins.
3. You’ll be frowned upon for not using gluten free or vegan ingredients. Imagine Mary Berry’s death stare when Enwezor Nzegwu didn’t make his own fondant last series. It’s worse than that.
4. There would be a technical challenge to bake the perfect rainbow bagel.
5. Should Paul Hollywood want to stay on another series, he’d obviously have to get a glitter beard.
6. Move over Tudor Week, in Shoreditch there would be a ‘hybrid’ baking week; we’re talking cronuts, crones and other combinations that don’t even exist yet.
7. The showstopper would be an extra-freakish Freakshake.
8. Baking with Matcha would be a must-have skill in the Great Shoreditch Bake Off.
9. The theme music we know so well would be replaced by an electro house DJ, who will take up a permanent space in the corner of the room to supply the backtrack for the camera-panning fills. And the bass drops when the bakers are given the 5 minute warning.
10. You’d see a lot more bakers smoking rollies during their post-challenge interviews. Especially if they came bottom of the technical.
11. And there’d be a lot more hangovers. And inter-baker sex stories.
12. While waiting for their deconstructed Victoria Sponge cake to go golden, the bakers would partake in group Bikram Yoga.
13. There would be absolutely no soggy bottoms. Or saggy bottoms, at that. Only pilates/HIIT/cross-fit/yoga perky bottoms.
14. The prize for Star Baker would be a baggy… for said baker to then enjoy getting royally ‘baked’.
15. It definitely wouldn’t be televised on BBC or Channel 4 – both networks are far too mainstream. The production team would probably take it to VICELAND.
16. The winner would get to launch their own ‘pop up’ bakery. Which would actually end up lasting a lifetime.
Devastated to see the GBBO come to an end? Never fear, Selasi is planning to open a bakery in West London.