There are some things Londoners just don’t want to hear. More often than not, they’ll often be announced over a tannoy on the Underground…
1. “This train is being held to regulate the service”
While you’re stood there and envision yourself die in your own (and other people’s) sweat.
2. Anything about Brexit.
Whether you love it or hate it, a conversation about Brexit is rarely an enjoyable one.
3. Any sentence with the words “replacement bus service”
4. “And today we expect to see even more rain in London”
Frustrating, yes. Surprising, never.
5. “There’s still £25 left on the bill to pay.”
The nightmare at the end of a meal that brings on a terrible moment of awkwardness amongst the group. Everyone instantly gets defensive (although you secretly suspect that you’re something to do with the miscalculation and must fork out more). *Sob*
6. Whenever you hear that “TfL are introducing a new rule”
No one likes standing on both sides of the escalator.
7. “This station will be exit-only”
Cool. I’ll just walk my way down the Northern line then.
8. “This train will now terminate at the next station”
Fab, only 5 stops before you wanted to get off.
9. “Sorry. Happy Hour finished 7 seconds ago”
The tight bastards.
10. “I need to go to Oxford Street after work. Meet you there?”
Work is quite enough torture for one day.
11. “What are you doing this weekend?”
More often than not you’re doing sweet F.A, but have to come up with a lie to make you sound incredibly cool.
12. “Sick. Is that in Shoreditch?”
Shoreditch is not the centre of the earth. And you mistrust anyone over the age of 19 that says sick.
13. “The pop up for limited edition [fill with name of chosen chocolate brand/booze/bakery] is open between 1pm-4pm”
Like, seriously, doesn’t anyone have a job!?
14. “Well I live with my boyfriend, so rent is under £600 each.”
Painful in so many ways.
15. “Where’s a good bar in [area of London]? “
Shit. Now you’re under pressure. Where do you recommend? What will this person like? How do you judge it? Do they want something laid-back & easy going, or do they want high-end plush seats with crystal martini glasses and mint foam on the cocktails? You end up Googling it, even though you know loads of places. And now you look like the ultimate London loser.
16. “The next train will arrive in 5 minutes”
Anything over 2 is an abomination. A total waste of your busy, busy life.