Our full admiration goes out to those actually running the London Marathon this weekend, but we can’t all be fitness gods and goddesses. Some of us are only human and take our Sunday rest seriously. And that’s totally ok.
1. Let’s be honest – it’s a Sunday, so you probably would have slept through the starting whistle.
2. You may not be a lightening fast runner, but you sure as hell can move down the escalators at Tottenham Court Road.
3. And you’ve made up the 26.2 miles just walking through Bank.
4. You’d be tempted to do the marathon… if it was made compulsory to stop off in every pub along the route.
5. Or if it was a Netflix marathon.
6. Which you’d still need to carb load for… on all 21 lasagnas at Mister Lasagna, right?
7. Besides, someone needs to support the actual runners.
8. And make signs like this.
9. Think about the damage those motivational high fives will do to your hands.
10. And who else is going to appreciate all of the efforts gone into the ridiculous outfits?
11. Or spot this year’s running testicles?
— Ruther (@Ruther2) 26 April 2015
12. As a pollution exposed Londoner, your lungs are far too fucked to run a marathon.
13. You thought ahead and realised you’d probably be hungover.
14. Think of the chafing.
15. And other injuries you’re saving yourself from…
16. No one needs to see your sweaty work out face.
17. Reading this book ain’t gunna help you.
18. If you wanted to run and rub shoulders in a crowd, just head to Oxford Street at the weekend.
19. You’re far too competitive for a marathon. People could get hurt.
20. You’re not going to put your social life on hold for 4 hours.
21. Oh, and you fucking hate running.