Yeh yeh yeh, we know that anyone anywhere would do almost anything to be able to read minds, but we feel, living in London, it would be an absolute GOD-SEND. A gift matched by no other. Imagine not only the fun you could have on the tube – goodbye iPod, hello people’s heads – but also how much easier your life would be. Edward Cullen, we envied those looks before, and now, we envy your mind.
1. When the tube drivers says, “updates on this delay will follow when we have more information”.
YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING ON.
2. When someone is staring at you on the bus and you don’t know if it’s because you look smokin’ or if you’ve got something on your face.
4. Walking down Oxford Street on a Saturday. Just to hear the imaginative expletives.
5. When the self-service checkout shrieks ‘unidentified bag in the bagging area’ and you’d like to know exactly where and what that f*cking unidentified item is. (Yes, mind-reading machines too, obvs).
6. When Starbucks claim they’ve ran out of hazelnut syrup.
7. When you first meet up with a Tinder date. Oh this is going to be good.
8. When the bus suddenly goes on diversion half way through your journey and you wonder if the driver has actually just had it.
9. When someone has their bag on a seat when the tube is full and you wonder what the hell is so goddam important in that bag that it needs a seat/whether they’re just morons.
10. When someone says they are vegan. And you wonder if they are actually vegan, or whether they’re just #eatclean during the week and scoff cheeseburgers in secret.
11. When you’re dealing with estate agents and you would like to know if they were dropped on their head as a child.
12. When you give up your seat on the tube to someone that looks pregnant…but you suddenly question your judgement and you need to know the truth.
13. When someone holds the doors open on the tube and you wonder who the hell they think they are.
14. When the coffee shop on the corner charges £3.70 for a flat white and you would like to know that they grew, picked, processed and dried the coffee beans with their own sweat and blood.
15. When anyone is London says anything – because we all know there’s a huge difference between What Londoners Say vs. What They Really Mean.