Of course we could say these things out loud, but a) we’re far too polite, and b) we’d probably get a slap. We’re a passive aggressive lot, and we’d sooner dig an elbow into a fellow commuter and make it look like an accident than confront the issue head on. You know, with words...
1. Move out of my f*cking way!
2. For heaven’s sake, would it pain you to walk a bit faster?
3. What compelled you to put that outfit on this morning?
4. Move your bag off that seat, you selfish b*****d.
5. No, I really don’t want to stop and talk to you. And no, you cannot have a minute of my time.
6. Excuse me, your gross sweaty back is in my face.
7. Are you really stopping right there? Right in everybody’s way?
8. Here, take my seat because I’m a far more selfless and thoughtful person than everyone else on this tube.
9. Oi, no! I saw her first! That’s not fair, now I look selfish and thoughtless.
10. Will you please stop reading over my shoulder?
11. I’m finding this whole London thing really hard.
12. Excuse me, sorry, could you please turn your music down? It’s a real pain in the arse and it must really be damaging your ears.
13. Do you know what? No, I won’t move down the carriage. I need to get off at the next stop and it’s a huge inconvenience.