No one ever said it was going to be easy. But who knew it was this hard? Still struggling to bag a London lady? Here’s a few golden rules to help you on your way:
1. Don’t approach her on the dance floor.
Has anyone ever actually met on a dance floor this side of Zante? The chances are one of you is probably a bad dancer anyway, so just stick to a conversation at the bar. Words say more than fist pumps. Always.
2) If you met on Tinder, don’t tell her “you’re new to this whole dating app game”.
She knows you’re not. And she knows you probably copy and pasted the same message to 47 matches last night before you went to sleep. We’re all desperate and bored and sometimes a bit lonely. Don’t try and pretend otherwise.
3) If you didn’t meet on Tinder, don’t brag about the fact that you’ve never used Tinder.
It’s like telling her you don’t watch porn. It won’t make her want to have sex with you any more and she probably won’t believe you anyway.
4) Don’t think that just because she has lived in London for the last three years she will enjoy any tube-related puns.
Especially if they involve the word Cockfosters.
5) The same goes for Mind the Gap chat-up lines.
In fact, just don’t use the word “gap”. Unless you are talking about the gender pay gap.
6) Don’t talk about the gender pay gap.
Even with your kindest intentions, you will probably end up offending her.
7) Don’t chat at her about alcohol.
Even if you’re a “mixologist” or a “gin enthusiast” or you’ve just got a really really bad hangover. Drinking is fun. And will probably get you a lot more lucky than talking about it.
8) Don’t try and be too charming.
Charming incompetence is just about the only thing Brits have got going for them these days. Bumble on, you beauty.
9) NEVER try and ‘neg’ her.
If you honestly think that telling her she has bad breath whilst questioning what her career decision “actually brings to the world” will turn her on then you have a seriously warped perception of life. Or just very very small feet.
10) Don’t send her a serious selfie.
Clenching your back teeth together and tensing your shoulders so that it looks like you have really big shoulder muscles was just about acceptable when you were 14. But you’re 24 and you’re (hopefully) not dressed head-to-toe in Abercrombie anymore. You’re better than that.
11) Don’t take her to Aberdeen Angus Steak House.
In fact, don’t take anyone to Aberdeen Angus Steak House. It’s like taking someone to Westfields on a Saturday. You wouldn’t even inflict that on your worst enemy.
12) Before you ask her if she would like to come back to yours, ask yourself three questions:
1. Is she only talking to you because you are standing on her coat?
2. Is that man giving you an aggressive look her boyfriend?
3. Does she fancy men?
13) And if she does come back to yours:
Refrain from picking up any form of musical instrument. She’s in your bedroom for a reason. And it’s not because you fancy yourself as the next Ben Howard.
And the rest, my friend, is down to you. There are some things that just can’t be taught…