Being that very few of us have the time and/or money to be personally chauffeured around London whilst sticking our gold-tipped pinky finger out the window with wild abandon, the majority of us fellows have to get some form of public transport. Invariably enough, pet peeves arise. Here is a list of cardinal sins that one must not commit on pain of social/literal death. We’ve broken them up into travel-specific categories because you know, we’re nice like that.
1. Press the stop button over three times.
We get it, the driver gets it, the person in the car next to us gets it: you need to get off. Do not ping the stop button with a repetitive finger. Or do. We hope you get an RSI (that’s repetitive strain injury for the non-office workers out there).
2. Use your feet as a place holder.
It’s worse on the bus since there’s less space as it is. Remove those scabby Primark flats from the already grubby seats before I remove your feet from your ankles.
3. Blare music from headphones/speakers/actual instrument.
Again, worse on the bus due to the lack of space. Well I hope you get tinnitus. Mostly because you’re listening to What Makes You Beautiful on repeat and I can’t decide if it’s in an ironic way or not.
4. Sneeze/cough onto your fellow passengers.
The economy is appalling and we all need our jobs but my god, take the day off if you’re going to spew out bodily fluids at over 100mph. On the tube we are sardining our journeys in a heated metal container, we’re definitely going to catch the nasties you’re spreading.
5. Talk louder than is accepted.
We know you had a fabulous day out with fabulous cocktails at Covent Garden followed by a fabulous trip to the theatre to see Wicked (which was fabulous). But sorrynotsorry WE DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW. There is a level of decorum for voices on the Tube: adhere to it.
6. Hesitate for longer than 10 seconds at the barriers.
I’m being generous with 10 seconds to be honest. 10 seconds is a loooooooong time. Seriously. Think about it. I appreciate that if you don’t live here and it is relatively daunting but the pile-up you’re creating with your consistent incapabilities is soul destroying.
7. Be “that guy” on the platform.
You know the one. Always manages to stand next to you on a completely empty platform. Is probably eating a packet of pickled onion Monster Munch. If this is you then go find a seat (far away from the people) and sit down. Think about your life choices while you’re at it.
8. Demonstrate PDA.
Worse on the overground where the journeys are long and arduous as it is. We don’t need to see your slobbery chops proclaiming your infatuations for one another, especially when you’re using your tongue as proof.
9. Eat offensive smelling foodstuffs.
We all love a good egg sandwich from time to time. But we enjoy it in our homes like the decent human beings we are. The same can be said for the beer quaffing footie fans with the insatiable desire to spill their Carling all over our suede skirts. Do you know how hard they are to clean? DO YOU??
The Night Bus
10. Tell your life story to any/everyone.
Why does the darkening of the sky bring about such a change in our usually quiet English demeanours? I don’t want to hear about how you once thought you were going to die because a Fiat 500 ran over your toe. I want to sit back and think about how many chips I can stuff into my butty when I get home.
11. Fall asleep.
As the saying goes: fall asleep on the night bus, end up in Kent. With a Sharpie penis drawn on your forehead.
12. Air your opinions to the rest of the Number 7.
If we weren’t already fed up with getting one-on-ones that are un-asked for, having a soap box sod suddenly decide that everyone needs to know their opinion on American foreign policy is THE WORST. Shut up and sit down.
Ok, now we need to go have a lie down.