It’s expensive and it’s frequent. Yeah, you can probably stop reading now. Kidding, obviously.
1. It is absolutely okay to drink at any time of day, on any day of the week.
2. Forget Friday, people celebrate the weekend on a Thursday.
It may seem a bit premature but Fridays are a write off anyway. Jeans, afternoon booze trolleys and clocking off early – all manageable, even with a dirty hangover.
3. Sex on the beach isn’t all that.
We’re talking about the cocktail, for goodness sake. You’re all disgusting. Anyway, the point is not all cocktails are sexual innuendos and orange juice. Forget slippery nipples and screaming orgasms, we’re far more classy in the capital. Have yourself a bubble bath martini, for example. Or a ‘Spicy Noodle’ served in a Pot Noodle pot. Yep, pure class.
4. You can put absolutely anything into a drink and people will think it’s “quirky” and Instagram it, no questions asked.
Pak choi, mushrooms, syringes, rubber ducks… if it surprises you, you’re no Londoner.
5. “One drink” can actually mean “one drink”.
None of this ‘Har har I love how I said I’d stay for one drink and now here I am at 3am, 10 tequilas down and queuing for Tiger Tiger’ malarkey. People do actually have self control. We’re not saying that that won’t happen, or hasn’t happened, but there have been times where ‘a quick drink at the pub’ has meant exactly that. You can still enjoy a pint and be in bed by 10pm.
6. The more sophisticated your drink, the more sophisticated your conversation.
Whiskey = Politics. Particularly Brexit and Gibraltar.
Red wine = How you never used to like red wine but now you’re a grown up and it’s really scary how fast time has flown.
Vodka lemonade = “I have never had sex in….”
Foster’s = You’re probably quoting Superbad or making inappropriate jokes.
Tequila = How you have to make the most of your 20s because you only live once and it doesn’t matter how much these tequilas just cost because we’re young and free and money isn’t important in the grand scheme of things.
Jäger bombs = You’re probably too drunk to even know what you’re saying.
WKD = Go home, you’re 12.
7. You can only hope that drinking your drink will help you to forget how much you just spent on it.
London ain’t cheap.
8. It’s easy to get so drunk that you start offering to buy rounds.
Don’t. Before you know it you’re £7000 overdrawn and your friends don’t love you any more than they did before.
9. Pre-drinking is a myth.
It doesn’t happen often enough. Or ever. Instead, you’re expected to get drunk on £5 pints, and that’s a dangerous game. Plus, playing Ring of Fire in a pub just isn’t quite the same.
10. Checking your bank statement after a night out is a surefire way to depress yourself.
Ignorance is bliss. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. Blah blah blah…