You can take the Londoner out of London, but you can’t….
1. You’ll sit on the train with an odd sense of impending doom…
2. As you’re unsure – and afraid – of what bare unknown-ness lies before you.
3. A place where there may only be one apple store.
4. And ‘pop-up’ actually means a book with 3-D pictures.
5. You’ll feel slightly superior that you’re from ‘Landan’.
6. But will quickly realise that no one gives a shit.
7. The shop assistant will tell you to “have a nice day” and you’ll think they’re being sarcy.
8. You’ll get a taxi everywhere because there’s no such thing as public transport.
9. Except for a bus every 45 minutes.
10. And you’ll try to get out without paying because you didn’t realise cash in cabs was still a thing.
11. You’ll swiftly learn that midweek drinking is ‘frowned upon’ everywhere else.
12. And that old people still exist.
13. But flat whites and phone signal don’t.
14. You’ll find yourself with word vomit about how cheap everything is.
15. And everyone will get sick of hearing of hearing you talk about how expensive London is.
16. Or about how you once saw ‘that guy off MIC, you know…you know, the fit one’ in a nightclub.
17. Even the friendly shop assistant.
18. You’ll sleep like a baby for 10 hours a night thanks to the lack of noise and air pollution.
19. Meaning your public breakdowns will dramatically decrease.
20. And a smile may even start to emerge. Well…a grimace at least.
21. You’ll realise that London probably makes you a miserable old fart.
22. But you’ll be itching to get back.
23. Because let’s be honest, nothing beats it.